So what is the deal with hurricane names?  With Earl bearing down on the east coast, I started thinking about what we name these ofttimes deadly and destructive storms, and realized that we pick some really lame ones.  In fact, the deadliest hurricane in U.S. history, which hit Galveston, TX in 1900 and killed over 8,000 people, didn't even have a name.

After thinking about this, I've decided that state governments would have an easier time evacuating people if the names of the storms were actually fear-inspiring.  Who's going to run away from 'that storm that's coming our way but that we can't clearly identify?"  To be fair, they hadn't started naming hurricanes yet. But THEN the 6th deadliest hurricane in U.S. history rolled up in 1957….and its name was…Audrey.  That is not frightening.  Not remotely.  It sounds like a parrot.

Then there was Agnes (to be fair, this was Agatha Trunchbull's nickname, but if that's what they were going for, they should just have called it "Trunchbull." Far more intimidating).  Hilda wins points for alliteration, but that's about it.  And, um, Floyd?  And let me tell you, Floyd knocked some trees down - who'd have thunk it?  Fran, which sounded like someone's grandmother, in fact behaved like some kind of frightening freight train, rebellious teenager, and angry lumberjack hybrid.  No one expected it.

I checked the list for 2010 names and it has some SUPER winners.  Like Otto. And Hermine which is, like, Hermione's gimpy sister?  Spellcheck doesn't even acknowledge its validity.  Then, THEN, there is Igor.  Hurricane Igor??  Why, WHY, why would someone choose to name a hurricane after the stock, hunchback side-kick to literary villains??  That's basically saying that hurricanes don't warrant center stage because they are the equivalent of some other natural disaster's bitch.  And that is such a misnomer.  

A part of me wonders whether these names are society's nerds' way of sticking it to the populace.  Small, socially awkward, brilliant children in grade school, now responsible for sicking the likes of Humberto and Olga on defenseless citizens.  Names that would only belong to similarly small, socially awkward children if they were personified.  Or to a large, slow-moving troll.  It's a huge problem!  

Because NO ONE is going to take anything named "Wilfred" seriously!  Wilfred sounds like the name of your harmless elderly neighbor whose grass you cut every weekend, not at all like a furious storm with some serious potential for wreckage.  "Everyone EVACUATE!  Wilfred's coming in!"

…

No.

Now, if they named hurricanes after big, scary villains, then we might be getting somewhere.  Megatron, for instance.  The Joker.  Godzilla.  Of course, we'd probably have to lose the prefix "hurricane," because saying "Hurricane the Joker" just sounds retarded.  But, for instance, imagine if weather people had to say "Megatron is closing in on the Virginia coast and is currently a category 4 storm.  People are being encouraged to evacuate as quickly as possible."  That sounds SERIOUS.  Who wants to stick around to see what Megatron is going to do?  No one!  The freeways would be jammed within a minute.  People might not even board- up windows.

But that's not what happens.  Noo.  What happens is that some storm like "Bertha" is whirling about in the Atlantic and everyone thinks, "Bertha?  Meh.  I'll buy my loaf of bread, milk, some bottled water, and toilet paper, and just wait out the storm in my barricaded house.  After all, its name is Bertha, what could it possibly do to us?"  Enough.  It could do enough, is the answer.

For some reason, we name all of our storms names that are associated with less than threatening images and ideas.  They inspire no sense of urgency among the potentially affected populations.  But, when we have a storm barreling in called "Green Goblin," I BET we wouldn't have to worry about stragglers and hold-outs.  This just won't do it: 

(Also, to juxtapose the images of of Igor that I found online, here are some of my proposed hurricane names.  See what you think:

Green Goblin

Megatron

See the difference?)